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Friday, August 17th, 2007
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10:05 pm - Fear....
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I was over in Springfield at a friends apartment, watching television, and an interesting idea came along. Someone mentioned fear, and how much it seems to control our lives. So I asked myself what am I afraid of? I mean, what is it that I, myself, am so afraid of that I would let it control my life, and that I would do anything to avoid? Surely there would be something. The only thing I could come up with is judgment. If I had to fear anything it would be just being judged by others. The fear that anything and everything I do may be looked upon as wrong or imperfect. The fear that people may just look at my actions superficially and not see what truly is going on; or people just not seeing something the way I see it. (Actually I know a lot of people who do this, including so called "friends")
Then something else hits me, the notion of 'security.' The thought that is it really possibly for everyone, or well nearly everyone, to be so scared of everyday things that they would do anything to prevent it? If this were true, then the saying: "That I could sell anything to anyone." would also be true. As all you would have to do is convince John Doe over here, that something is a treat to him and that this product would help prevent such things from happening. I don't mean to sound like a conspiracy nut, but could it be possible that people in power are still using these techniques today? (Remembering back to the movie "Vendetta")
Just looking at society today, everything seems to be centered around one thing, security. From your computer with Anti-Virus, Anti-Spam, identity-theft prevention systems, etc... To general insurances: from car insurance, house insurance, life insurance, etc... Things meant protect you against the negligence and/or carelessness of others, or sometimes even yourself. To things that we consider standard in society, like the Police department (protection from criminals) to lawyers and senators (protection of rights). Even copyright and patient laws are means of protection from stolen ideas.
Like I said, I don't mean to sound like a conspiracy nut, but what I do want to know is: What in the world is everyone so afraid of?
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| Thursday, July 12th, 2007
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10:52 pm - All moved in
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So I finally got moved in, and just got my internet connection hooked back up yesterday. Before I moved I was kind of excited, but then came the day I was to move and a lot started going though my mind... "Is this really what I want...?" "Once I move odds are I'm going to be here for two more years... Is this where I want to be for that time?" "Am I going to be able to handle being 'alone' for this time?"
Although it proved to be the apartment I liked the best of them all, I started to have my doughs that any of them were going to be what I wanted in the end. But I did choose this one and so I told myself I'll stick with it.
One thing I did find out, this little town is boring as well... you get the idea. For nine days all I had to entertain myself was WarCraft III and SimCity 4 on the computer, and a few select movies/anime that I owned. And no way to talk to most of my friends, except by phone. To be quite honest, I can't believe I found things to actually do for that time. Guess I'm glad Trigun and Stellvia lasted that long :). Although I do enjoy the peace and quiet for once, not being able to turn around and watch other people is also a concern.
Another note, my family has been more annoying than ever. Not to sound ungrateful or rude but ever since I moved in they have seemed to have taken this as an opportunity to involve themselves in my life more. To the point they want to do nearly everything for me. Even stuff that I judge and non-important or just doesn't need to be done. I have the feeling that if it was up to them, they would have had me an apartment (of their choosing) and have moved everything for me before they even realized that I already had everything planned out, down to where I was getting hangers for all my clothes (literately).
Then one day an old friend of mine, Bourne, calls me and asks if I want to go and see Transformers with him and Brett. Because I'm just staring at the ceiling waiting for it to fall, I jump on it. But I forget that I apparently made an appointment with my aunt that we were going to run to RadioShack to get a part for my TV. I probably only agreed to it to get her to stop talking. Anyway we're heading to Springfield to the theatre and half way there my Aunt calls me and I politely tell her that I don't need to go today and I'm out with friends. Then when I get to the theatre and just sit down, moments before I turn off my phone, my dad calls where I just hang up and turn my phone off. I told myself I'd call him back when I get out of the movie. (By the way, the movie is hilarious. It doesn't fit any of the known Transformer's storylines but its still great none-the-less) I call my dad back after the movie was over, upon realizing that because I didn't answer, and then thereafter my phone immediately going to voicemail, he became worried and decided to take my spare key and check on me at my new apartment, and of course I wasn't there. Anyway, I'm ranting.
I thought I'd also let everyone know, that the manager out at Staples is well... I don't need to finish that sentence. Needless to say I didn't get the job even though they apparently, desperately need people. So I put in an application at the theatre here, and I will be putting in an application to the bank next week. Although something tells me that working at the bank isn't going to be the best of ideas. Worst case scenario, I have three months until I have to find a job, or I will have to start borrowing money from my parents.
I also cannot wait until classes start back up. One just to get back into a routine and two to see all my friends that went away for the summer. Sure I still get to see all my friends that are still here, or well in Springfield now, but I guess I just miss everyone from my classes. Especially Abby who's been gone for longer than just the summer.
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| Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
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9:12 am - Just an update
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I feel like things have fallen to shit over the past few months, but maybe it's all for the better. After losing a job and having the feeling of nothing to do. After finding out people I once called friends now lying to me. And now searching for my own place to live.... Either part of me has changed, or just a part of me I never saw before.
I've always regarded myself as a pessimist, but now with every downfall I've ran into I've seen something good from it. For example:
Losing my job -- finally able to get away from fixing computers and try something else
I've been tired of working on computers for some time now. Nothing new, nothing exciting from it. Just the same problems day after day. But I continued to on them, and probably will continue as people ask, all for one reason: because those that know me, know that when I sit down at that computer to look at it they can be gareented that I will do what I can to solve that problem. And not only that but also for the people who knew me, I felt almost a since of joy come from them every time I entered the room, set-out to fix their computer. When I was there to solve their problems
Looking for a new place to live -- discovering who truly cares and becoming yet more independent for myself.
Everyone always suggests to me to do it this way or do it that way... everyone always wants to help. But I ask, why not just let me do it my-way? People are always trying to protect you from the mistakes they have made, but fail to realize that I cannot learn from their mistakes, I must learn from myown mistakes.
Also ever since I found out that I would have to be looking for a new apartment, my dad was constantly worried that I wasn't going to find a place to live. Since I lost my job at IC, my dad was constantly worried that I wasn't going to have enough money to get by, and that I wasn't going to be able to find a job. And constantly nagging me about what I am going to do. I can't believe I'm the one saying this, but for some reason I felt like screaming out: "Just have a little faith that things will work out, and stop worrying about me!" (You know I never realized how much of my life I put in the hands of fate, and how much I use fate to guide me. But it seems no matter how hard things get, I may get mad at first, but I eventually shrug it off and just try at it again. But should I fail at something over and over, time after time, was I ever meant to succeed in the first place?)
I never really had a complete plan to solve these problems of mine. I just saw what I needed to do and did everything in my power to make it so. Feeling like, should I fail, then I was deemed to fail, but to just get right back up and to try again yet another way. For the first week that I knew I needed to look for a new place the extent to my plan was:
1) move back home for the rest of the career at IC
2) move back home for the rest of the summer; live on campus next semester
3) find an apartment and/or roommate
(not necessarily in that order)
This wasn't enough for my dad, he wanted a plan b in case mom decided to move (which she was planning) or if I wasn't able to find an apartment. But I wasn't the least concerned about this. I knew I would find a place one way or another. In-fact I've actually found 4 different apartments now. I have to make my decision on which one I want by the end of this week though.
The first place, on Grove St. is so far the one I like the best, but the landlord doesn't seem to be of the nicest of people. The 2nd one is a rather small studio apartment, but the landlord is wonderful. The first apartment is also rather expensive at $325 while the second is only $265 a month (plus electric on both).
I have yet to loot at the last 2 apartments yet, called the landlord today. But the first is a one-bedroom apartment just across from Crispin, while the other is adjacent to Magaw. The last apartment is a two-bedroom apartment and I will only look at it should I be able to find a roommate within the week.
On a side note, I should be working office-supplies at staples come one week.
current mood:  peaceful
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| Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
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12:44 am - Self-reflection
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I beginning to think, no idea whats going on anymore.
Everything I consider a flaw in the world, has seemingly been thrown at me in the last few days. Everything from hypocrisy to double-standards, from selfishness to lack of consideration, just to name a few.
All I want to do is live a simple life. No real worries, nor concerns. Nothing lavish but yet still fun. But yet, every time I try and get to that point someone or something always seems to come and seemingly disrupt everything. And sometimes I think that half of it is just caused by my interest in global affairs, in global news if you will. I'm actually considering the idea of never touching a newspaper, never watching the 6 o'clock news, and even removing all my news site from my google homepage. Although practicality I cannot do such until after I graduate.
It seemed like no matter what I did everything right, but yet I also managed to do everything wrong. Even when it came to simple things like writing papers. I couldn't think of anything to write about, so I was told to brainstorm. So I brainstormed... and only ended up with a bunch of gibberish that didn't make any sense, and I was still at square one. But also I guess I did discover a topic in the end to write about, mainly how do we come up with ideas... But anyway, I was told to focus on problem at a time, and what did that get me? It cost me my job, and now I fear it might start affecting my homework. As I have to now find a job for the summer, and without a job I wont be able to afford staying where I currently am. Which means I must either find another place of my own, which wont work because it puts me back in the same boat that I was in. I then have to live on campus, which means I have to pray that I can make a deal with the Director of Housing. Or I move back home, but that will most likely end up costing me my sanity.
I've always considered myself a problem solver. Part of me actually enjoys solving problems, especially other people's problem or more "global" problems if you will. But then the same problem solving skills, those same critical thinking skills, and the imagination that so many people praise, and that so many people try to teach to others gets criticized.
I've always loved taking things apart, trying to figure out how they work, and then turning around and putting it all back together but with my own little twist.
I praise myself in my ability to instantly see the other side of an argument, and to see where my opponent is coming from. But I've started running into people who have completely different world views than myself. People who have almost no moral standards. So seemingly have no care for anyone but themselves and their own wellbeing. People who seem to hold VERY conservative values, very much more so than my own. I've even discovered that in the true sense of the word capitalism I cannot stand it. I've just come to realize that I have much more liberal views than I once believed. With people coming to me showing me ways in which I could possibly make a fortune, I've realized that money almost has no value to me, other than it is used to buy the essentials and to get me though life.
The question was asked: "If money was no object, what would you do?" To be honest, the only thing I desire for myself is to travel the world. But even that is just to see other cultures, to confirm theories, and conduct research. Also to take their cultures apart, study them, and rebuild them with my own little twice, just to see how they work. All just to see why certain flaws exist, or to discover new ones and to see if I can't manipulate them to see if I can't remove such flaws.
The three main places I've always wanted to go were: United Kingdom, Germany, and Japan. The United Kingdom, only because I've felt a sense of heritage from here, even though my 'parents' were originally from Australia. (For those of you who don't know, my biological parent's surnames I did find out to be West) Germany because of my psychology studies, and Japan mainly for a sense of tradition and honor. Over the course of time, strangely India, Italy, and Greece have been growing in favor, I don't know why.
It's getting late, I have class in the morning, I will leave you with this.
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| Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
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9:42 am - Life made impossible
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A while back everything felt like it started crashing down. Homework was picking up as the end of the school year was comming up, my mom was yelling at me because of her taxes, and I was getting drama from work as I was starting to become a little forgetful or absent-minded. And this is where my natural problem solving methods come to bite me in the rear-end. To solve a problem, I just block out everything else, all distraction, everything including other problems, until the problem at hand is solved. Which generally work really well, except for one minor detail I've began to notice now. I block everything out. I'm guessing I start to appear aloof and absent-minded, as nothing becomes important except solving the problem.
Long story short what happened was that Pat, one of my bosses, told me that if I didn't focus on my work, while at work then, well I don't need to say any more, but that homework comes first and should I need to work on homework to just let them know. So once I heard that I immeadiatly changed my priorities to trying to making both my shcoolwork and job priority number one. I was also told that if I should need to work on my homework over work, to just let her know and I could take the day off. So I worked really hard and got everything done at work and for homework, at least up until the last week of actuall classes. At that point I get hit with two major assignment that are going to take days each. To top things off, come Monday I accidently sleep in, and don't make it to campus until after 9:00, I normally start work at 8:00 in the morning. So upon arriving I walk past one of my professors classes and notice one of my bosses, Marc, was in class at the moment. As I don't want to interupt his class nor have his phone go off distracting everyone I instead choose to go up stairs and just let my other boss, Pat, know of my absence and that I need to work on homework today. Upon arriving in her office I notice that she isn't there. So knowing I have to get this homework done, I head back down to the lab and begin working on it. I told myself I will just wait until Marc just gets out of class at 10:00 to call him and to let him know of my absence and to let him know that I cannot work today as I have more important homework.
10:15 then rolls around as I'm hard at work on my paper and my phone rings, its Marc, he's asking what happened. I let him know and he told me we talked about this before and that he is going to have to let me go now. Needless to say, I no longer work for IC's tech department.
I came back the next day, as my bosses said they were going to talk to each other about me possibly continuing to work here, and they decided that that was a no. Their reasons where I should have called. Even though Marc was in class, and I cannot disrupt someone's class, I would rather wait until they finish then call them when it is more approprate. And that I could have left a message with helpdesk or the assistants, when my bosses told me that homework is more important than work and that I should focus on it first, so I did, completly forgetting about just leaving a note. And as I said I figured I could call Marc once he got out of class at 10:00 and let him know then, but apparently that did not work.
If its not one problem, it's a hundred.
To be quite honest though, I could not stand working for Pat. Marc I had no real problem with, but as for Pat she seemed to just make life impossible there. No matter what I felt like I was doing something wrong. They've both told me to stop making assumptions. I've tried, I've tried many times, even back when I was dating Megan, but I have to make assumptions about things. Even if those assumptions are that my assumptions are wrong or incorrect, I still have to make assumptions about things. When you tell someone priority number one should be homework then let priority number one be homework, don't critisize them for doing what you told them to do. Again for assumptions, when it came to calling Marc in class, how am I suppose to know that his phone is on or off? I know how much professors hate when someone's phone goes off in class, so I cannot call anyone who is in class, or in a meeting for that matter, unless I am absolutly sure that his phone was off. Plus I couldn't walk into the class and ask if his phone was off. And if his phone was on, why should I make him feel stupid for the mistake he made or why should I draw attention to him while interupting the class. Needless to say, there was no way I could justify calling him while he was in class. Maybe this isn't an excuse, but if anyone has known me for any length of time, they have probably noticed that I don't have that much common sense, never have and to be quite honest I don't think I probably will.
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| Saturday, March 17th, 2007
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6:55 pm - Ok, this was scary.
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| Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
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10:38 pm - Best website ever!
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| Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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10:36 pm - Why are people blind?
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First thing, I should have never went to go and see Proof.
The play is about a mathematician, who in his latter years starts to go crazy and one of his daughters has to start caring for him. She ends up having to drop out of college, and she does this all just so he doesn't have to a "nut house." Eventually her father passes away and over time, a lot of her fathers traits passed onto her. Although she wasn't necessarily going crazy. She did slip into a deep depression just after her father passed away. A student of her father, was going through all of his notes to find anything that may have been relevant or a possible break through in mathematics. The daughter eventually shows the student one notebook she kept locked away. One she worked on herself while she wasn't taking care of her father. It was a proof that solved one of the hardest mathematical problems known to man. One minor detail, no one would believe her when she said that she wrote it. Everyone had such high regard for her father that no one would give her an once of credit for the work she had done. In the meantime her sister started trying to care for her when she was depressed. Everyone thought she needed to get out more, have fun, do this do that... all just to make her feel better. But no one ever thought that maybe just maybe she knew what was in her own best interest, not everyone else. No one ever thought that maybe just a few days alone might be better for her. And no one would ever give her an ounce of credit, or trust that she was right. They would always claim she was paranoid, or going crazy, and then find out a week later that she was right. They would yet not apologize and just shrug it off. They still thought she was going nuts just like her father. Her sister would also always nag her about, "Are you sure you're feeling ok?" "How are you feeling?" "Everything is going to be ok."
One problem with it all. It reminds me of one of the worst times in my life. For those of you who knew me before I finally moved out on my own, I claimed that I was seriously depressed. I was very analytical, sarcastic, pessimistic, and if you saw me interact with my mother I was rather snappy. My mother was always telling me to do this, to do that... And I can remember the thoughts I had back then, as just a repetitive "Leave me the fuck alone, all I want to do is relax!" or "Get the fuck off my back, I'm trying to calm down!", and every minute that I actually had to myself was just a "All I want to do is go home!", yet physically being home at the time. I'm still not 100% sure of what I meant when I said that. Why must people always be so arrogant and assume they are right. Why can't they just ask themselves the simple question now and then "What if I'm wrong?"
So after the play leaves me in a semi-confused state, I'm ready to head back home. But things only get worse. Someone, who I will not name, comes around the corner. Let just say I know well enough to just ignore her, especially since I can't think entirely clear right now. And then the trump-card get played. Someone walks in with flowers, and hands them to one of the actors.
So not only do I have to "re-live" the days I lived with my parents, the single person I despise the most comes and starts socializing with all of my good friends, and not quite a year ago I also brought flowers to someone right after a play here in the theatre.
Some of you might say, why havn't I moved on? I know how socialization works. I know how people interact with each other. I know how gossip works. I know how people think. It's not their fault what people say or do. People like to socialize and in doing so they will talk. But what they are not aware of are the implication they may cause down the road. I try my very best to avoid implications from ever even starting, but when they do, I fear them, as I no longer have control over those actions and can no longer prevent accidents from happening.
Alright, I feel better now.
current mood:  aggravated
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| Thursday, February 15th, 2007
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9:05 pm - Why I "can't write"
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Something I'm beginning to learn very quickly now is why I've always struggled to write. Two of the last assignments I've had in my English course have technically been "impossible." I understand what the assignment is trying to teach each time, but the assignment itself is well, impossible.
The first assignment was a treat... We had to write about a time that "Language has failed us." I understood that this was trying to show us how we can, and how to use language effectively to convey a message to an audience. But think about it, we are to write (use language) about a time that language has failed us. I'm going to have as much difficulty explaining that time here, than I did when I first tried to explain the idea, if not more.
The new assignment is to tell about a time that we explained how something really was, from experience. This is more of a philosophical point to me. But how can anyone know anything about any subject any better than anyone else? How is any one interpretation of a given subject better than any other? Even if one person has "first hand experience", and the other does not? I personally believe that as a person gains "experience" in something they become "blind". They find ways to do things, and then they can use those same methods over and over to complete the task, rather than to think of new ways that can be done to complete the task.
I was told to use my experience in technology. But what do I "know"? I like to think that everyone else in the world knows more about every other subject than I do. Sure I may have an interpretation of something, but that doesn't mean my way of seeing it is any better than your view of it. I don't care if you're an "expert" or an Joe Nobody just walking down the street. You both have views on a subject and you both may be correct.
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I've also noticed several other things that make it very hard for me to "learn to write." The biggest problem comes to critiquing my work. I'm way to conscientious and too much of a perfectionist to pay much attention to people's comments. To be quite honest, I fear them. I'll tell you the truth, in that I probably wont even read but maybe half of the comments to this post, if that. Its the same way when I give speeches. As I speak my main focus moves off that of speaking (I let my unconscious take over on that; why I've been known to "blackout" during speeches), and I focus on my own body-language. Although over the years, I have noticed people tend to be blind to that nervousness and subtle signs I might give off as I near a panic.
Sorry to go off on a tangent here, but I actually hit panic stage last semester, when I was told to give a speech on a topic I had no information on.
I feel like I've put every effort I could into writing the best work that I can. But I know that no matter how hard I try that it's never perfect. I spend every effort I can in analyzing that piece of work to eliminate every flaw that I can. So when I go to have other people look at it, I know they are going to find something wrong with it, and that's the last thing I want to hear. I've had people tell me my spelling is off here and there... that I used the wrong tense of this word there, and that grammatically my paper may be a mess. And over the years my response to all of that has just become: "Who gives a #$%@ if I misspelled this or that? Who cares if grammar is something mystical to me? As long as I get my point across and you understand me, who cares? I'm doing the best effort I can and yet its still not 'perfect'!" At least in conversation, if someone doesn't understand me, I can try to explain it yet another way. In writing I have to guess what misinterpretations someone might have and then explain one point from several different angels.
I've also developed a style of writing that flows to my liking. One problem, I've started to notice it doesn't flow for anyone else. I've began noticing I my writing may come off as a 'scatter-brained' effect. Possibly hitting on topics in a random order, that when done my reader probably has no idea what I was talking about. And I seem to always be looking for the unconventional way of doing things. "How would something like this normally be written? Well lets do it this way instead." "Most people usually declare a thesis at the beginning of a paper? Why can't I let my readers imagination take over and let them wonder until the end? Where I explicitly state it near or in the conclusion?"
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The same abilities that have allowed me great insight into the inner workings of the human mind, leave me terrified when other people begin to judge what I have done.
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| Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
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5:27 pm - Association by defination.
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Say you have a word... 'dog', how do you know what it means? You've been taught it, correct? Now what if you associated that word with its defination? I know this innately seems simple but follow me on this. I know this seems like "Da!" but now, lets try this with a compound word and my idea may become a little more clear. Take the word 'newspaper', and break it down into 'news' and 'paper' and then apply the defination to those two words. Apply the defination to those new words... and those new words... etc..
I know the word 'dog' cannot be broken down into anything simpler, in the terms of language. But what if the mind understands a concept of 'dog' that is much simpler than the word we comprehend it with? For example, say the number 53 means nothing to you, but your unconscious mind understands it as a property of having four legs. Then the number 47 means the property to make noise... and 82 meaning the a noise is a 'bark'. So the defination of 'dog' may include the string '534782', while the string for the actual word 'dog' may be '41096823659627229537662.....' (By the way, I'm using numbers as it abstracts the idea that the defination of a word may not necessarily be understood by us consciously)
Now what if the word 'dog' is and of itself is a defination, or part of another defination? And it makes up more definitions? And those definitions make up more definitions? etc... All of these definitions must have started somewhere, right? They may be in an recursive loop now, but there has to be a finite number, if not one defination that we started with in order to derive everything else. Its like thinking "Oh, so now I understand what that means... oh that according to that, this must be that... and that must mean this now... and..."
Now, is this original defination constant? Or does it differ from person to person?
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| Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
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8:52 pm - AI Research
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I've narrowed my problems down that I only have one major problem left. Language.
In theory I have to create two worlds. An internal world, which contains all the "memories" and "ideas." This is where everything gets stored for later use. And in a sense I have to create an external world, this is where information comes in. Lastly the machine itself will create a third world which is to interpret the information from both of these worlds, internal and external.
Now I could just give it a language that reflects the internal world, but that would not suffice. As it would have no way to adapt. What I need to create is a system that creates a language on it own.
The outside world in this sense will be defined as user input. Anything a user or another computer tells the program.
The inside world would be defined as ideas and memories, also including the "unconscious." Nothing would be known except what it could think of for itself.
The third world has to be created by the program itself. It has to adapt and develop overtime. It will essentially become the link between the inside and outside world, and a product of the two.
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I can write the inside world any which way I choose. Even to the point that the information seems to be just a garbled mess that doesn't make any sense. The outside world is to be determined by the user (or other computer) A system would then have to develop to interpret both the incoming data, and that that it already knows. This system will start with the construction of a language.
How do you properly know what the word "house" means, or what "car" means, etc...? Think about it. It's almost mind boggling on how you have come to understand what a word means. Sure you can say you been taught what it means, but how do you know what it means? Let me ask you this:
How do you know the definition of "house"?
----- You read it in a dictionary?
---------- How do you know what that definition means?
----- You've learned to associate an object that people live in day to day as a house.
---------- So do we just intuitively understand what it means?
--------------- But how?
Yes we have been taught these things... this is a house... this is a car... this is blue... this is red... etc.
Lets go back to one of the first words we learn as toddlers. "Mom" We hear our parents refer to each other as mom and dad. We begin to learn by association that this figure whom takes care of me is mom. We then refer to her as mom from that point on.
Now as the saying goes "monkey see monkey do." We imitate those that are around us. As children these are our parents. Calling Mom "Mom" and not "Dad", produces a result that we favor. Positive reinforcement
But how do we know that Dad isn't Mom too, and big sister isn't Mom, and the next door neighbor isn't Mom? So how do we come to the realization that mom is mom and no other mom is mom? (Wow that just sounded complicated) We hear other children refer to their mom as "Mom", so why isn't she a "Mom" to us?
I'll spin myself for hours on this... to continue onto something else.
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To create an idea of how personality develops (this is in a since the result of the development of the third and intermediate world). Take a bucket of numbers and dump them on the floor. Then take a bucket of only Latin letters and dump it on the floor. The letters represent one of the 2 worlds (internal or external) while the other represents the other of the two. Create a system in which you can effectively understand both of them and communicate between the two.
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Essentially I just have to take two complex system that I know nothing about and create a bridge between the two.
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8:27 am - Phlosophy 101
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I can tell this class is already going to be a pain, fun, but still a pain. He's trying to teach us 'argument by analogy', it sounds simple enough but I'm running into a problem of not knowing when to apply it and when it fails. Every analogy I've tried to apply it to so far fails. Even half of the arguments in the book make no logical sense. For example:
Watch->complex->made by inteligent beings
Universe->complex->made by inteligent being(s)?
One that makes some since but not necessarly:
Dog->has four legs->has a tail->uses tail to keep balance
Cat->has four legs->has a tail->uses tail to keep balance
Although this may seem true here, does it apply to all dogs? all cats? all animals? And whats to say that the cat doesn't have a different way to keep its ballance, or maybe the dog uses some other mechanisim.
And my own example (that specifically fails, in an attempt to disprove the theorm specifically):
Square->has four sides->has four corners->has two sets of parallel lines->All for sides are equal in length
Rectangle->has for sides->has four coners->has two sets of parallel lines->All for sides are equal in length
The basic model was:
For an object X such that X has properties A,B,C and related property Q
And for an object Y such that Y shares properties A,B,C then you can inply that object Y has property Q
Idea: what if properties A,B,C have been derivied from the same fashion, then couldn't properties A,B, or C also be incorrect analogies, such that making property Q incorrect. With this theorm, would you not have to know the absolute basic principals that give objects such as X and Y thier properties?
So if mathamatics and science have taught me anything, its that once you find ONE problem where a theorm fails, the entire theorm needs to be reworked. Argument by analogy, in this case does not work.
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We ran into a similar problem with defining terms. Geniess + Difference = Species.
In this take a general category, say "sports" and it goes in the geniess. Then take any specific reference that comes from that category and it goes into species, "soccer" would be an example. You then add all of the secific references and then try to make sub definitions to divide the larger category until you can get down to the specific references. For example, one sub division may be "requires points / doesn't require points"
There is a problem with this though, that every word in theory then has to be defined in this manner. Thus, resulting esentially in an infinate recursion problem. Once you try to define one word you then have to try and define every word in existance. For example, take the sub division "uses a ball / doesn't use a ball". Well in this case, what consitiutes as a "ball", would we not have to define what a ball is? And lets say a ball is "A spherical object" Ok, so what is constitutes being considered shperical? "A three-demininsional object that contains no corners, and has a single continual surface." Ok, so what is a corner? And what is a surface? As you can see I can go on forever.
Also, as AI research has taught me anything, it's that you cannot asume that what you mean by one word is what is interupted as the meaning of that same word to another. A being knows no more than it has learned. The word "the" means nothing to a AI system unless it know what "the" means.
As you can see Phlosophy is going to be quite interesting.
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8:14 am - Welcome to ΓΝ, oh wait nevermind...
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A friend of mine from IC offered me a bid for ΓΝ (Gamma Nu), one of the literary societies there. First of all, even the literary societies had a quarrel with the administration. They did not get back to the societies until the last minute. Causing a mad dash to to get pledging started. Then a friend of mine offers a bit do me to join ΓΝ. I readly accept the bit and then find out that my GPA is 0.02 shy from the cut-off. No biggie, they just had to argue it with the dean. Then we find out this policy cannot be fudged by the dean, but rather now esentially I have to be accept by every literary sociey on campus. They all have to sign a petition to allow me in to ΓΝ. Again, this shouldn't have been a problem, as all of the societies have someone at the borderline, well except now the Phi's.
Very rarly do I get the sense that someone is doing something unselfishly. Very rarly do I get the sense that someone is doing something for me without asking for anything in return. So I jumped all over this, only to find out that the Phi's hesitated to sign off on the petition till it was too late. Luckly there is still one chance in that ΓΝ can petition the president of ISC (Inter-Society Conference, or something) for a one time deal. They meet wednesday, so I can only hope from there.
current mood: frustrated
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| Monday, January 15th, 2007
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8:20 pm - Why are people blind?
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Why is it I consider people blind? I will be frank, everyone I'm around, or well nearly everyone, cannot see what is right in front of them. Something I've seemed to have done my entire life, but only frustrates me everyday. I try to do anything I can to open people eyes. Yet they refuse and remain blind.
It's something I cannot put to words. But simply as thinking what might be the consequences of doing said action? What is going on, taking away what you have been taught? When I have to get a message across, it seems I have to dramatize it just so that everyone can see it. I feel like I have to scream at the top of my lungs just so the person sitting next to me can hear what I have to say, when a normal whisper should suffice.
And again, how hard is it to take what one wants for one's self and apply it to the needs of others? If I want something, do I have any right to take that exact same thing away from someone else? If I believe I have the right to say, watch TV. Do I have the right to refuse anyone else to watch TV?
How hard is it to just think what might be the consequences of an action? Are we not taught as kids to "think before you leap?" Just a simple thought of what is going to happen if I jump over this cliff. I might break my leg. Or worse yet, I could bump my head.
Every day, it seems I am just screaming, "Damn it! Just open your $*&%ing eyes!" And every time someone fails to think, or take into consideration what other people want... I just get closer and closer to part of me I do my best to keep under control.
The part of me that becomes selfish and will act out randomly just to get what he wants. The part of me that becomes hypocritical. The part of me that becomes over-dramatic in a last ditch effort to just show people their mistakes. All in all, I still feel like I just have to put on a big fake mask just so that people can finally see.
Ok, my rant is over.
current mood: angry
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| Friday, January 12th, 2007
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8:12 pm - To do what no one else has
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I was finally able to accomplish something that no member of my family has ever been able to do. That every teacher and councilor has struggled with. I have managed to teach my younger sister to appreciate things. I have taught her that she is responsible for her own actions. And I am teaching her how to manage her money.
My mom begged me not to get a cell-phone plan with my sister. My mom continued to tell me that she would just wrack up a huge bill and damage MY credit rating, and put me in a world of hurt. Just like what she did to my mom, by accident. I refused to believe her, as it was partially my mom's fault for not looking into the cost of international calls in the first place. And I knew from the very beginning what was going to happen, should I get the cell-phone plan with her.
But 2 months ago, I got the cell-phone bill in the mail and saw it was for a decent chunk of change. I payed it all off like I normally do and then I inform my sister that the bill has arrived and you have one week to pay me. The week came and went and I only received about 1/3rd of the bill.
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Here I was faced with a decision. Part of me very much wants people to just be themselves. "To live and let live." I very much envy those that have no fear in acting out, being spontaneous and just having fun. For those that just live in the moment. In the same respect they do scare me though. On the other hand, I have to be the teacher. I have to be the parent. I have to be the big-brother. I have to be the one that looks out for people who are about to make a mistake, to make sure they don't do something they regret.
My sister is very much someone who, is rather quite selfish. She will do anything she can to manipulate others to get what she wants. Most of the time playing on their emotions. She is also very much her own person. Very much the rebel. You tell her what the norm is and she will very much go against it.
With this, it only made that decision much harder. For the first time I thought I was going to be using ones own personality against them. In a since, manipulating the person to get a result I wanted out of them. Becoming the person I hate the most.
What was I to do? I could not ethically just watch my sister commit herself to her own doom, but in the same respect I could not morally manipulate someone into doing something they do not wish upon themselves.
So I looked at it, and asked myself "In the end, what will she want of herself? What will others ask of her? What will be expected of her?" So I made a decision and told myself, no looking back until its over.
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She was given until the end of the pay period and then I was going to take the phone. Even if she paid off the rest of the bill before hand. She missed a payment and was going to lose her phone for at least a month.
I then told her she had till December 24th to pay me what she had left on the bill. December 25th was the soonest she could get her phone back, as the 25th of every month is when the billing cycle renews. Christmas eve was came and went... no payment.
A few days ago, I got a call from my sister. She was asking whether or not she could get her phone back early. And the answer was a prompt "NO". The earliest she can get her phone back now is January 25th, and she has till January 24th at 11:59pm to pay me. And she knows that if she pays me at midnight, that she will not get the phone back till February 25th.\
...I decided to be the teacher.
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She now realizes that not everything is just going to "be there for her." She knows that she just can't play on people's sympathies anymore to get what she wants.
current mood: accomplished
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| Monday, December 25th, 2006
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9:16 pm - A little test.
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I am going to pose a problem to you. I want what you think would be the best answer to the problem at hand. I care not who you are, so posting anomalously is acceptable. I will hold you to that you only reply with an answer once. I also very much ask that you do not read the replies of others until you have posted your own answer, as I want your own result not the result after seeing what others have posted.
I have drawn the first 5 points of a shape, tell me what you think the shape will be in the end.
current mood:  curious
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| Sunday, December 24th, 2006
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11:03 pm - The mind has always fascinated me
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For some reason, even as a kid, I have always been fascinated by the human mind. I cannot explain why, but I've always pondered and tried to figure out how it works. And then I ran across what is know was personality types. In that I found Ni or introverted intuition. Which again seems to fascinate me.
So I started thinking. Most people wonder why things are. For example, "Why is the sky blue?" With that alone, you mind would want to seem to explode with ideas. It could be this... it could be that... most of the time, tending to compare that event to something else.
Now just to try something different, instead of asking "why", ask yourself "How can this be?" Instead of "why is the sky blue?", ask "How can it be that the sky is blue?" Instead of throwing out many ideas, do you not find yourself reasoning though to figure it out? The main difference between Ni and Ne is that Ni supposedly closes to one idea, while Ne finds as many possible ideas. While neither one any better than the other, could this be the difference between the two ways of seeing?
So with asking "How can it be that the sky is blue?"
First realizing that the color of the sky is determined by the color of the light that hits our eyes. The sky turns "clear" during the night, when the sun isn't out. So the light that hits our eyes is from the sun. So how is it that the sun, which appears yellow turns the sky blue? Well, light reflects off of different objects to produce the different colors we see. But because the sun is outside our 'sphere', the chemicals in the atmosphere must then reflect back not blue but green and red light, as to allow blue light though, that we see.
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| Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
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8:50 am - What if?
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I was sitting back and thinking about the programming problem that I've been working on for quite some time now. I was continually trying to think about the problem of instinct (or intuition). Stumped on the issue I go to digg and look and see whats going on there. Something to just distract me from the problem at hand.
I find an atricle about how a 'Psychic was busted'. They claim that they get their impressions though intuition, or paranormal phnominon, ya they get it though intuition. In the article people mentioned a topic on wikipedia Cold Readings.
I then decided to go and look at the Jung Personality types, as people who use introverted intuition are the ones most prone to claiming to have 'psychic impressions', and then it hit me. According to the type, those that are introverted and prefer to use intuition are going to least use extraverted sensing. (NiFeTiSe being the most prone of all)
Now what if, Dominant Ni's are actually just mostly unconcious of their extraverted sensing? That those that use introverted intuition are aware of how their mind globilizes the information, and how it essentially creates 'sterotypes', but are not aware of where this information is comming from. That in creating these sterotypes they have learned very well how to, read body-language, read other people's emotions, and very aware of cause-and-effect situations. All because the situation before them fits a sterotype that has proved the same before. And most of all, this becomes so engraved into the individual that they are completly unaware of what they are doing. That in fact it has become a completly, or almost completly, unconcious effort.
Now can I apply this to the other types? Is someone who uses introverted feeling mostly unconcious of how they want things to be in a locial order? Is someone who uses a dominiant extraverted sensing unconcious to the fact that they are creating sterotypes of people? Is someone who likes to brainstorm (Ne) unaware that they recall past events (Si)?
If only the problem couldn't get any harder, so now how do I deal with the unconcious that still processes information that is completly oblivious to the individual?
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| Monday, November 20th, 2006
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8:05 pm - Programming/Theory Problem
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Time to switch gears on my posts.
For the past couple weeks I've been working on a problem. I'm trying to simulate the human mind... memory in general. I've put a few basic restrictions on the theory, as to not let it become horribly complicated. Before I start explaining it I need to let you know on a few definations.
NODE - an object that contains data and can point to other NODEs.
STRING - a series of NODES.
WORDS - any string of nodes. Same as a string of letters as we know them (ie words), note some words can be a single node.
MAP - All of the nodes strung together in a seamingly random fashion. Conseptually this will produce a web like structure.
They way I currently have this working: I currently start off with 0 nodes in memory. This is to represent that the program does not know anything. I also have set aside a string of seven (7) nodes that represents short-term memory.
Currently, I tell the program something (teach it) and it looks for references in its memory for comminalities. For example, words. As it learns it will begin to assoiciate 'words' with repeated patterns that is presented to it. When and if it finds these words it adds that word as a node into its short-term memory. Once the string has been delivered to the program and it has searched for words to simplify its short-term memory, it then looks for a match of what is in short-term memory. If a match is found it esentially comes back and says "Oh yes, I know that...". Now here is where problems start arising.
Just so you know how the memory will become structured under this current idea. All nodes have two tails. Meaning that on every node, it can point to two other nodes. These nodes may loop back on themselves in order to keep the map simple. Also any node can have an infinate number of heads. Just meaning that any node can have as many other nodes pointing to it as there are nodes in the map.
To explain how information is currently added to the memory map. If I tell it a string it doesn't know, say "12345" and it adds it to its memory map, and then I tell teach it "12346" (note the last digit) it will use the previous "1234" on inserting the "12346", granted the secondary node on the '4' hasn't been used up. If it has been used up, it searches for the next '4' or for a '3'. I also begin to run into problems here, as to what procedes what. (I will address this issue later) Lastly, when I go to add new information I am to start off where the last operation ended. If the last operation was adding the string "12345" then I will have terminated on the '1' (it loops back around).
If you wish to see this visually, take out a pen and paper and draw five circles in a line. Next, draw four arrows inbetween them. For example, (1)->(2)->(3)->etc... Next make sure to draw an arrow from the 5th circle back to the first circle as to create a loop. Now place a 1 through 5 in each of the nodes respectivily. When you add the string "12346", draw a second arrow comming off the '4' to a new circel and place a '6' in it, and then draw an arrow from the '6' back to the first circle (the '1'). When you are done, every node should have one arrow comming out of every circle except the '4', which should have two. There should also be two arrows pointing back to the '1'.
It should be noted, that when and if a string cannot be found when asked to reference (from the current node), then it is to branch in both directions in hopes to find a node that corrisponds with the first word in the string. For example, if you take the above map and search for the string "782967", logically you know that that string doesn't exist. But from the perspective of the computer you only know that a '1' exists. So you will branch in both direction from the '1' (note only the '1' only has one arrow comming off of it, so the 2nd branch will fail), yielding the knowledge of a '2', all knowledge of the '1' is forgotten. As you can see yet another problem arises. The search will continue on forever as no knowledge of a end exists.
----Things not implimented yet but working on it:----
- After a set peroid of elapsed time the program is to review everything it has learned over the day and look for patterns. It is to use these patterns to simplify its memory banks. For example if the string "hello" is found multiple times it can place that string into a single node as a word, and then replace all occurances of that string with the single node containing that word.
- Another possible theory to impliment, if a node can be added to make the map smaller then that node is to be added.
- Everything is centered around simplification. If anything can be done to the map to bring it to it's smallest size yet retain all of the information, then that operation is to be done.
- If at all possible, keeping the map simple upon adding any new information is ideal.
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What if the information in short-term memory is novel to the program?
- OK, so it's new information, does that mean I should look for the best match?
--- So, I'm looking for the best match, how exactly do I find the best match?
----- Do I put paramaters on what consitiutes as the best match?
What to do when adding a new piece of information and it finds a node that has allready been taken up?
- Do I start searching for the previous node in the string that matches, or do I go and try and find another occurance of that match?
How do I know when to stop searching for a string, if that string doesn't exist? (How do I determine if something is novel to the program?) The issue rises as with the map that it will loop indefinatly, as there will be no nodes that have 0 tails on them, even the terminating node on a string loops back to its starter.
If something is truly novel do I add it, although techically doubling the complexity of the map? (For example, take "1234" and "5678", no two nodes in those strings match. Should this information just be forgotten until the map naturally complexes? As in after I add say, "1235" to the string "1234"? (Now as you see there is a matching '5'.
Now here is where I real question comes in. Upon startup of the program, should the map have any information already in it? If to comply with the above question, then some information would be necessary as any new inforation entering an empty system would be infinatly complex, thus being ignored. Although this prior information inot the map, could be regarded as instinct.
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As you can see alot of the problems come when novel information is added into the map, and how to handle that information. If at all in some cases.
Most of this theory has been implimented using unrelated theories in class, and from analyzing my own thought process.
Any ideas on the subject would be appreacieated. As I am currently stumped. Although the theory on instinct (which I just thought of 10 minutes ago) may prove some results.
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| Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
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8:39 pm - Dang ethical questions!
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I've got a predicament on my hands. Day after day I continue to present opportunities to my sister to learn to be more responsible. To learn how to handle her money better and to learn how to take responsibility for her own actions. I've only presented opportunities for her to learn. I would never force her to learn something she doesn't want to. She has the right to live the life she wants to live, but at the same time she needs to be more self-aware.
For the past several days I've been trying to think of a way in which she will want to learn to be responsible. But instead everything I tried only caused her to become more and more reliant on others. She would try and take advantage of my obligation as her brother and my dad's obligation as her father to work her way out of situations. An idea struck me but it causes me to go against one of the principals I hold dear, to use her own personality against her, to trick and manipulate her into learning how to be responsible.
I know she doesn't want to learn. I know she would rather just go and do her own thing. She would rather have others suffer, even those close to her, just so she can live they way she wants to live. But she isn't afraid to be herself, something I love to see in people, and I don't want to take that way. She needs someone to look after her, and to keep her safe, something I've did and continue to do even after I moved out, but she will continue to try and take advantage of those close to her. And the last thing I want is for her to begin to hate me like she is toward our mom. Although our mom has slightly alienated us both already.
So the question is: do the ends justify the means, and is the end even justifiable? All my life I've held that I should only suggest better ways of living, never forcing something upon anyone. But when someone is blind to their own fate is it my obligation to save them from that fate, even if it goes against the virtues that I hold dear? Or do I let live and essentially say: "I told you so," in the end?
If I manipulate the situation I will only feel horrible for dominating over someone, and if I "let live" I will feel like I didn't help enough to prevent the situation. So what is the middle ground that satisfies both my consciences and my obligation as her brother?
One way or another there will be great resentment toward me. I also fear she may never be responsible. She will always think that "everyone owes her everything" and that no one else matters in the world except herself. Now that I think about it, no matter what happens in the next few days I'm going to feel sick inside for any of the actions that I currently think must be taken.
So to think of a way in which to teach someone something they don't want to learn, but must, in-order to save them from a fate I do not wish to see. All at while letting them remain true to themselves.
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